Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
