I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
