The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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