What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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