dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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