Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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