Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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