My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
