I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
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she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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