Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
