Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
