my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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