If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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