I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
