my mouth tastes like poor choices
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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