youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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