ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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