I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
