Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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