Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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