I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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