how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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