Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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