I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
