I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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