how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
