I got chris browned last night
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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