Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
