i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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