We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
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does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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