I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
