I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
