are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
