two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
