he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
