i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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