You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
