We named our party play list daddy issues
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
