am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
