The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
