I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
