i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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