What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
