My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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