Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
