How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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