its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
