hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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