I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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