So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.