I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
29 Super Simple DIY Drinking Games
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
29 People Who Do Dirty Things Just To Get Their Way
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame