I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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