My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
