the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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