just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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