I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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