and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
