Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
