The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
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This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
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Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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